Grief, gyozas and figuring it all out again

So… I had a mini hiatus after my first post… but I’m back!

I’ve been reflecting on everything I’ve experienced since springtime — weddings, festivals, holidays, touring with my musician partner Dan, leaving my job and embarking on freelance life, all rounded off recently with an epic travel trip to Seoul and Japan. Returning to the UK was admittedly heartbreaking. I couldn’t write this post without acknowledging the atrocities happening in Gaza and beyond. Then there’s the endlessly disappointing and toxic Tory government and news media. War and politics aside, the shorter, darker days and end of the year looming remind me how much the sun and warmth directly correlate to my energy and good mood. I'm fatigued and ready for hibernation… roll on Christmas and a fresh start in the new year! Until then, I’ve shared some activities that have helped me so far, towards the end of the article.

A whole new world

Exploring Seoul and Japan brought a new lease of life out of me that had been buried between job applications and summer commitments. It was just me and Dan and we were on our own time. We had just over two weeks, plenty of recommendations on a dedicated Google Maps list and boy did we drink in every last sip. We started the first leg flying to Hong Kong airport (hello fresh noodles to order in the lounge) then flew to Seoul. Dan got put up in the Mondrian Hotel (!!) and we ordered room service on arrival. It’s a novelty I’ll never get used to. That and jet lag. We spent the following days exploring old and new parts of the city until his gig, fuelled with trendy coffee shops where we saw Iris Law and tried out traditions such as Cha-teul tea room and monk dishes at Sanchon. Two friends of mine happened to be in Seoul for work — one with an installation at the Seoul Light Bitseom festival and the other a pop-up campaign for Burberry — a serendipitous event worth celebrating! One gig and a packet of corner shop hangover pills later, we were on a plane to Tokyo. What proceeded was 12 days of trying to cover as much ground as we could in the unfathomably gigantic cities of Tokyo, Kyoto and Osaka. 

Japan was everything I wanted it to be and more. The overwhelming crowds at Shibuya crossing, neon lights, luscious food, overly efficient technology, all complemented by their appreciation for fashion, art and traditions encapsulated everything I’d assumed was great about Japan but better. The following will forever be ingrained in my senses: sipping oolong hai in tiny listening bars while smoking a cigarette(inside!), the perfectly merchandised vintage stores, playful jingles at every train stop, polite bows and head bobs, looking up at extravagant shrines and high-rise towers to basement ramen restaurants and late-night karaoke bars. That level of attention to tiny, beautiful details is something I’ve not experienced anywhere else. Plus, I felt so calm and safe there that the minute I returned to London and got on the tube home, my backpack got stolen. Thanks for nothing, London.

Expectation vs reality 

The weight of the world has, at times, been too heavy and too distracting to be a full-time #girlboss. Plus, I also lost my grandad at the end of summer. It was during a trip to Berlin and Lost Village festival I had phone calls telling me he’d been taken to hospital with a stroke. The second time he stayed there. Finding out that kind of news while intoxicated is weird, your emotions are simultaneously numbed and charged. 

So, truthfully, I thought I’d be further along the ‘life-changing’ process of leaving my job and reconfiguring my new world. Well, I can safely say 5 months later and I’m still not quite there yet. Finding work has been an excruciating process — from mass applying for full-time jobs to pitching for freelance work and hearing very little back — I’ve started to feel a little… deflated. Honestly, it has been a confusing time. The pressure to enjoy the time off while panicking about the future is taking its toll. I’m still waiting for this lightning bolt of clarity and creativity to surge through me and tell me exactly what to do next. 

Progression

The key I’ve found is to try and rationalise my situation as much as possible. I’m in a position of privilege and have found time to do things I’ve never been able to prioritise before. I must remember why I chose this road and not give in to the voice of fear. Some other steps I have taken to help me on this journey include: 

• Artist’s Way 12 week course - further details below

• Life coaching - I have trialled two versions: a 1-1 coach and a 21 day group coaching course

• iCope CBT therapy - I was given free sessions through the NHS after being on the waitlist for 2.5x months

• Trying new hobbies such as DJing - I have the best teacher in my partner Daniel Avery

• Online learning courses - so far I’ve tried out Udemy and Duolingo. 

This is in no way a ‘how-to’ guide, but more of a metaphorical hug to anyone else experiencing a similar situation. I am very much still in the process and confronting issues such as lack of structure, motivation and confidence. But for now, here’s a snapshot of one positive experience that’s helped positively change my mindset. 

Artist’s Way

As mentioned in my previous post and above, I completed a 12-week course by Ali Strick of Arts Sisterhood, with teachings based on the ‘Artist’s Way’ book, written by acclaimed author and creative counsellor Julia Cameron back in the 70s. Its main idea is to unblock creativity, rediscover and recover your creative self. There are themes of facing childhood traumas by writing letters to your ‘monster hall of fame’ and ‘synchronicity’ which encourages generally being more open to opportunities. Unblocking creativity and becoming an artist isn’t necessarily achieved through creative practice but by taking yourself on a weekly artist date. This could involve anything from buying a cake in a bakery to collecting pretty shells on the beach or buying a new magazine. All the phases throughout the course contribute towards gaining confidence that being creative isn’t ‘frivolous’ but in fact a necessity to whatever practice you intend to unblock. The course takes quite a lot of commitment but being in the weekly group held me accountable. By far the biggest example of synchronicity (or what some might call a form of manifestation) in my life was being offered the redundancy package from my previous job halfway through the course, and I owe this next chapter of my life to that.